Author Topic: Single female problems?  (Read 2003 times)

Offline Wendy

  • Member
  • Posts: 456
    • View Profile
Re: Single female problems?
« Reply #20 on: December 04, 2017, 01:16:34 PM »
We had one guy in a group that I'm in that had just joined and had not even attended an event yet. He went down the member list and picked out all the women he thought we "hotties" by the pic and private messaged all of them telling them how he would like to date them and looked forward to meeting them.  I don't know how many he did this to but I was told it was a lot.

This is very common behaviour among both male and female Meetup members. 

More discussion here...

  Members messaging other members they haven't met
  http://www.discussmeetup.com/forum/general-questions-how-tos-tips-tricks/members-messaging-other-members-they-haven't-met/     


I have previously floated the idea that Meetup Inc should implement a software rule whereby if member X has not previously attended an event with member Y, members X and Y are blocked from writing to each other.
This would fix the problem almost entirely. 
And it might encourage members to attend events in-person, rather than simply messaging other members based on their profile photo.

Offline MeetupMan

  • Member
  • Posts: 731
    • View Profile
Re: Single female problems?
« Reply #21 on: December 04, 2017, 02:24:25 PM »

I've known women to be bothered when if they actually met some of the men in person, but were contacted after a Meetup event. The conversation goes along with "Hey, it was nice meeting you on the hike the other day, you going on that hike in 2 weeks at the so-and-so National Forest?" 

They tend to pose a question on whether or not they'll be at the next event. This is quite a common theme, trying to figure out the subject of interest will be at future Meetups.

I had a male single friend in his 50s kind of hanging around the same lady the entire hike once. She seemed pretty cool with it though. I think this situation escalates as people get older, even the ladies reach a certain age where they are on the prowl.

He's a regular, harmless, as I had known him for a long time, and he'd even host parties at his house...so he's cool, but is obviously on the prowl.

So there are some instances, a woman is bothered by a man approaching them face-to-face, at the events as well. I guess it's knowing when to take the hint on how engaging she is, if she's short with you, back off, and mingle around with others.



Offline Wendy

  • Member
  • Posts: 456
    • View Profile
Re: Single female problems?
« Reply #22 on: December 04, 2017, 02:45:31 PM »
I've known women to be bothered when if they actually met some of the men in person, but were contacted after a Meetup event.

That issue is dead-easy to address, using the "Block Member" feature in Meetup messaging.

Offline MeetupMan

  • Member
  • Posts: 731
    • View Profile
Re: Single female problems?
« Reply #23 on: December 04, 2017, 02:51:28 PM »
I've known women to be bothered when if they actually met some of the men in person, but were contacted after a Meetup event.

That issue is dead-easy to address, using the "Block Member" feature in Meetup messaging.

They usually don't do that, they just don't respond. But hey, at least they met in person first, right? :)

Offline Margrita W

  • Member
  • Posts: 258
    • View Profile
  • Meetup Group(s): Colorado Springs 50+ Brewery Tour for Older Professionals
Re: Single female problems?
« Reply #24 on: December 06, 2017, 07:11:26 PM »
In this case I did inform the group organizer, and she said that he had hit on her on too repeatedly even though she said was only looking for friends.  Looks like she is also uncomfortable with saying no on the spot.  But she said that she would keep on eye on his behavior for the future.

Unfortunately, most organizers wonít do a darn thing. Yes, theyíve had reports about a person, and yes, theyíre aware of the problem. But - Meetup groups are for EVERYONE, and they canít just throw somebody out for being an annoying predator. Thatís what Iíve typically come up against. Even if the organizer is a woman, and itís a man whoís bothering the women in the group, including them.

I threw one such member out of my group, after the third or fourth time of telling him I was in a relationship with someone and LIVING WITH THEM, and wasnít interested in this man. He thought he was being cute, constantly telling me to put his name first on my list when I got rid of my ďhusbandĒ, which is what he insisted on calling him. NOT THE LEAST BIT FUNNY. It wasnít funny or cute when he kept touching me, either. If heíd touched me anywhere but my back (he didnít get the chance to move his hand down, because I moved away from him) he would have found himself looking up at the ceiling, seeing stars. Every time I mentioned this manís name to women, it was OHHHH HIMMMMM. But the behavior was allowed to continue. Organizers need to start taking this type of thing seriously - both male and female. Female organizers need to stop being afraid of ďhurting peopleís feelingsĒ. If their behavior is predatory and threatening - they NEED TO GO NOW. After I threw this guy out of my group, he came up to me at the next event I attended in another group, with a big smile on his face, and was going to try to talk to me. I moved through the crowd, got into a conversation with another member, and he found another woman to latch on to.

So, now Iím unable to go to any events where this jerk is going to be. I canít depend on the organizers to remove him, and he wonít stay away from me. I have him blocked on MU, but it isnít fair that Iím the one being punished because he wonít leave me alone. Of course, MU canít do anything - heís been doing this for many, many years. Because heís older, evidently organizers think heís harmless. Personally, I think he has a few screws loose - to continually be told in no uncertain terms NO and not accept that. To be told Iím not single/available, and it doesnít matter to him. Iíve done nothing wrong, and I feel itís very unfair that Iím missing out on attending events because of one person. Iím signed up for an event at the end of the month, and I may go. If this guy bothers me again, Iím going to tell the restaurant management that I feel threatened, and they need to remove him - hopefully permanently. If I knew his last name, I would file harassment charges against him, but everyone Iíve asked doesnít know his last name, so my hands are tied.

Offline Wendy

  • Member
  • Posts: 456
    • View Profile
Re: Single female problems?
« Reply #25 on: December 06, 2017, 09:58:26 PM »
Meetup groups are for EVERYONE, and they canít just throw somebody out for being an annoying predator.

Your organizer is shirking their most-important duty.

I'm the opposite:  I'll boot people from my groups for almost any reason.

Offline Toivo

  • Member
  • Posts: 34
    • View Profile
Re: Single female problems?
« Reply #26 on: December 07, 2017, 11:19:15 AM »
This is often a problem for single men as well.
On a hike I'll often just say I'd like to enjoy the quiet of the forest and the sound of the rustling leaves underfoot.

Hike leaders, in my groups anyway, will keep an eye on things and drop back and become a third wheel if they think it's needed.

Online DFWExplorer

  • Member
  • Posts: 32
    • View Profile
  • Meetup Group(s): DFW Explorers
Re: Single female problems?
« Reply #27 on: December 08, 2017, 10:04:48 AM »
This is often a problem for single men as well.
On a hike I'll often just say I'd like to enjoy the quiet of the forest and the sound of the rustling leaves underfoot.

Hike leaders, in my groups anyway, will keep an eye on things and drop back and become a third wheel if they think it's needed.

At that point, why not just go hiking by yourself?

Offline Toivo

  • Member
  • Posts: 34
    • View Profile
Re: Single female problems?
« Reply #28 on: December 08, 2017, 10:50:58 AM »
I enjoy the camaraderie, just not the 'won't quit hitting on' type.  Easy to tell the difference.

And safety.
« Last Edit: December 08, 2017, 10:54:59 AM by Toivo »

Online DFWExplorer

  • Member
  • Posts: 32
    • View Profile
  • Meetup Group(s): DFW Explorers
Re: Single female problems?
« Reply #29 on: December 08, 2017, 11:13:37 AM »
Apologies, I misread your post.

Thought you were complaining about organizers hanging back when they noticed you falling back (which is something I do often in hiking meetups, to make sure no one gets separated/lost from the group.

Offline Margrita W

  • Member
  • Posts: 258
    • View Profile
  • Meetup Group(s): Colorado Springs 50+ Brewery Tour for Older Professionals
Re: Single female problems?
« Reply #30 on: December 08, 2017, 10:32:57 PM »
It was originally assumed that this happens mostly in singles groups - social or hiking. I can testify that it happens in general social groups just as much. The man Iíve had a problem with is in a number of groups that werenít singles-oriented (out of the 31 heís currently a member of, only 3 or 4 are singles groups). There seems to be this whole misunderstanding that MU = Hookup. For some reason, MU groups are seen as ďhunting groundsĒ for people - and I can guarantee that none of these groups is focused that way at all - even the singles groups are (with a few exceptions) billed as a good way to meet like-minded PEOPLE (that means of both sexes - as in friendships). The misunderstanding lies with members who REFUSE to believe that events are strictly social ways to mingle and meet a variety of people. Thatís why itís important for organizers to be aware and nip bad behavior in the bud. If youíre strictly looking to date - join a dating site. If youíre having problems meeting those of the opposite sex - if youíre constantly shut out or shut down - look within yourself. Itís probably too late to learn social skills in your 50ís and beyond, but if you really want to change, seek out help to do so.

Offline nellica

  • Member
  • Posts: 210
    • View Profile
  • Meetup Group(s): Social
Re: Single female problems?
« Reply #31 on: December 09, 2017, 04:39:12 AM »
If youíre strictly looking to date - join a dating site. If youíre having problems meeting those of the opposite sex - if youíre constantly shut out or shut down - look within yourself. Itís probably too late to learn social skills in your 50ís and beyond, but if you really want to change, seek out help to do so.


Right, Margrita. Message understood.

Think Iíd better see a Psych and join Tinder instead :-*

Offline MeetupMan

  • Member
  • Posts: 731
    • View Profile
Re: Single female problems?
« Reply #32 on: December 09, 2017, 05:52:54 AM »
It was originally assumed that this happens mostly in singles groups - social or hiking. I can testify that it happens in general social groups just as much. The man Iíve had a problem with is in a number of groups that werenít singles-oriented (out of the 31 heís currently a member of, only 3 or 4 are singles groups). There seems to be this whole misunderstanding that MU = Hookup. For some reason, MU groups are seen as ďhunting groundsĒ for people - and I can guarantee that none of these groups is focused that way at all - even the singles groups are (with a few exceptions) billed as a good way to meet like-minded PEOPLE (that means of both sexes - as in friendships). The misunderstanding lies with members who REFUSE to believe that events are strictly social ways to mingle and meet a variety of people. Thatís why itís important for organizers to be aware and nip bad behavior in the bud. If youíre strictly looking to date - join a dating site. If youíre having problems meeting those of the opposite sex - if youíre constantly shut out or shut down - look within yourself. Itís probably too late to learn social skills in your 50ís and beyond, but if you really want to change, seek out help to do so.

You know what, I wouldn't completely discount Meetup as a place to meet others that are unattached. I've seen some stories where people met, dated, and yes...even married, having met through these events. It's a better alternative to dating sites, because at least things can develop organically when you're in Meetup, plus, dating sites, you're lucky if you can even get a response if you're a guy. In person, at least people are willing to talk to you, with dating sites, not so much.

Where I live, most of the Meetups have a LARGE chunk of single people in them, of course, you'll see the occasional token couple, but they usually don't stick around for too long because they feel like they don't fit in because they are married or whatever.

« Last Edit: December 09, 2017, 05:54:39 AM by MeetupMan »

Offline FRNYC

  • Member
  • Posts: 41
    • View Profile
Re: Single female problems?
« Reply #33 on: December 09, 2017, 02:21:10 PM »
News flash ladies,...men don't usually understand your "hints". We aren't wired that way.

By "not wired that way" are you claiming that men are devoid of the ability to read social cues? Unless they fall somewhere on the autism spectrum, that's patently untrue. It's not that they can't take the hint, it's that they refuse to take the hint. Unless they're completely socially inexperienced, they know when a woman isn't interested. They just don't care.

I'll say this: I've noticed a steep downturn of female organizers and members in the last year or so, and I can't help but think a lot of it has to do with the rampant rando harassment via messaging, sleazy male organizers, and creepy men like the ones mentioned in the original post. Meetup has a serious harassment problem on its hands and refuses to do anything about it. 

Offline Wendy

  • Member
  • Posts: 456
    • View Profile
Re: Single female problems?
« Reply #34 on: December 09, 2017, 02:51:38 PM »
I've known women to be bothered when if they actually met some of the men in person, but were contacted after a Meetup event. The conversation goes along with "Hey, it was nice meeting you on the hike the other day, you going on that hike in 2 weeks at the so-and-so National Forest?" 

MeetupMan, you strike me as the kind of guy I'd boot from my groups after about 2 events.

Offline Wendy

  • Member
  • Posts: 456
    • View Profile
Re: Single female problems?
« Reply #35 on: December 09, 2017, 03:02:47 PM »
Meetup has a serious harassment problem on its hands and refuses to do anything about it.

Meetup Inc could easily fix the bulk-messages-from-strangers issue; I'm amazed that (after 15 years!) they haven't already.

In-person harassment would be more-of-a-challenge for Meetup Inc to eliminate.

Offline Wendy

  • Member
  • Posts: 456
    • View Profile
Re: Single female problems?
« Reply #36 on: December 09, 2017, 03:23:23 PM »
I've noticed a steep downturn of female organizers and members in the last year or so...

It seems to be my 20-something gals in particular that find attention from Meetup guys to be unbearable. 

Hence the appeal of women-only groups for young ladies.

Offline MeetupMan

  • Member
  • Posts: 731
    • View Profile
Re: Single female problems?
« Reply #37 on: December 09, 2017, 07:16:14 PM »
I've noticed a steep downturn of female organizers and members in the last year or so...

It seems to be my 20-something gals in particular that find attention from Meetup guys to be unbearable. 



This makes sense, but as people start to get well into their 40s and 50s, the attention is rather welcomed or at the very least, doesn't phase them in the least. It's a maturity thing.


Quote
MeetupMan, you strike me as the kind of guy I'd boot from my groups after about 2 events.

Since I don't bother with the 20-something Meetup age bracket, I wouldn't be around for you to boot out. ;-)
« Last Edit: December 09, 2017, 07:18:55 PM by MeetupMan »

Offline BBG

  • Member
  • Posts: 651
    • View Profile
  • Meetup Group(s): BG
Re: Single female problems?
« Reply #38 on: December 09, 2017, 07:25:45 PM »
This makes sense, but as people start to get well into their 40s and 50s, the attention is rather welcomed or at the very least, doesn't phase them in the least. It's a maturity thing.
Dude.  Not wanting to be hit on does not make someone immature.

I don't blame Meetup for this problem -- they've made more of an effort to deal with it (e.g., disallowing PUA meetups) than many other sites.  But make no mistake, it is a real problem.

Offline MeetupMan

  • Member
  • Posts: 731
    • View Profile
Re: Single female problems?
« Reply #39 on: December 09, 2017, 08:25:19 PM »
This makes sense, but as people start to get well into their 40s and 50s, the attention is rather welcomed or at the very least, doesn't phase them in the least. It's a maturity thing.
Dude.  Not wanting to be hit on does not make someone immature.


I wasn't referring to that, I'm saying the more older/mature...someone is, the more likely they won't have a problem with it. That's what I was alluding to. The women wind up being up at the same level of the men at this point when actually desiring a man approaching them.